Fluey

I've got the flu for the first time in my life, and it's an interesting experience.

Who am I kidding? The only thing interesting about having the flu is wondering what's going to happen next - sneeze, yawn or run out of tissues.

My eyes feel like lead magnets. Heavy, destined to stick together like a crowbar couldn't pry them apart. I feel like I haven't slept in a week. When I did sleep last night I dreamt about Dr Who and Star Trek and yet somehow it was a boring dream.

Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you hold your finger milimetres from the bridge of your nose just to get that tingley feeling. I've got that permanently. It's partly because my nose is getting ready for one of those explosive sneezes that momentarily make my entire body contract and roll up like a giant slap band. It's partly because I'm wearing my glasses which I wouldn't normally be doing.

From time to time my eyes water inordinately. This makes me sneeze.

My neck aches as if it has been holding my head up for too long. Yet when I lie down I very slightly lose my sense of direction, i'm no longer quite sure which way's up or down and I get a tiny bit giddy, contributing to the tinglyness in my nose and ultimately making me sneeze, or at least reach for another tissue.

Periodically I feel like my bones are trying to shiver. Or grow hair.

When I blow my nose I honk like a road train. I've long come to terms with this.

I yawn as if i'm going to swallow myself inside out.

If my feet had an opposable digit they would be wringing themselves. As is they must content themselves with some strange wrestling match, periodically cracking my ankles.

I put some music in my ears and it made me sneeze. Twice. Full, heart-restarting, electric paddles, convulsion-inducing sneezes. I thought it was going to be three but the last one turned into a yawn and came dribbling out of my eyes. I've noticed my sneezes turning into yawns this evening, as if they're just mocking me and demonstrating their complete and total power over me.